A funny thing happened during my plans for online success and playing 'BIG'
I have been passionately inspired online for over five years.
There was the Eco/Health blog, that I loved but felt too boxed in to express my authentic voice.
Then there was 'kissthebliss,' my transition into living my passion of inspiring women.
Then 'Pregnant Visionaries' was conceived and I knew I had connected with the most authentic aspect of my message so far.
And most recently - the shift to monicafraser.com (I do believe the brightest and wisest decision of all) thanks to an illuminating session with the brilliant Alexandra Franzen.
All this seeking and personal change done publicly, in the online space where everyone seems to have their shit together.
For years - I craved the 'certainty' that oozed from the updates and posts of the people I most admired.
But I began to grow tired. Tired of the hustle, push, strive & sacrifice.
Tired of seeing women in the online world so overwhelmed, overworked, undersexed, unsatisfied, sick, self rejecting and out of touch with their authentic value, truth, light and inner authority.
I began to question with even more commitment (because often these questions are only fleeting thoughts among text messages and FB updates)
What am I doing & tolerating to build an online biz that leaves me feeling depleted and grumpy?
Do I feel SATISFACTION from my day to day online activities?
How can I be even more useful while maintaining a sense of flow and elegance in my life?
Do I really want to 'work my ass off' to get 'there'? (thanks to Moksha Yoga, I actually LIKE my ass.)
AND . . . most importantly,
What is it that I really REALLY want to FEEL, as the tradeoff for investing my valuable energy?
(Thank you for that genius question Miss Danielle laPorte!)
Through the years, I have always been willing dive in & go deep, reemerging with a handful of light to carry me forward.
I've also been striving, pushing, seeking . . . although I dared not hustle too much for the fear I may lose myself completely.
I have shared many of my personal discoveries & victories over the years.
I have wanted to Serve, to be useful. And in some way, To BE Enough.
And then a funny thing happened on July 19, 2012.
After years of fearing the stigma of being a "healer" for which, ironically, I have dedicated most of my life to learning about and putting into practice, I decided to attend the 5 day training for "Reconnective Healing" (that I had been putting off for nearly three years.)
I booked the flight and the hotel and then wondered, WHY AM I NOT EXCITED?
"What is the point of me doing this?" I asked myself on the frightful flight to San Jose.
(how was this little 'healing piece' going to fit in with my online strategy?)
Throughout the seminar, I rarely felt excited or inspired.
Surprisingly, I felt grounded & peaceful.
As my hands were activated by the intensity of the electromagnetic healing frequencies in the room that, if given a temperature value would have exceeded over 300 degrees celcius, I felt oddly "AT HOME" (science is shown in "white paper VI" in the link)
Three days into the training, I made a declaration to Source. I intended and commanded something that I have sought to know for most of my life . . .and I received.
And in that moment, in a heightened and very grounded space, my crown 'opened up.'
It began as a heat sensation. A burning which was pleasant, odd, and never uncomfortable. Then it shifted into a 'waterfall' of sensation over my head, third eye, ears, jaw, face and continued like this for about TWO WEEKS, travelling throughout my body.
I returned home in a state of BEING.
I completely lost my desire to DO anything that remotely resembled the 'activities' that had defined me over the last five years.
All the ideas, projects, creativity, scheduling, opportunities, career advancing strategies . . . seemed insignificant.
The concept of 'doing everything I had always done' evaporated.
So I've layed low, practicing yoga 4-5 days a week and adjusting to my new sense of Being in the world. Only now, am I beginning to see the slow reemergence of a 'new kind' of creative sensation.
It's elegant, graceful, relaxed and has all the time in the world.
When I work with these healing frequencies, I KNOW the feeling in my hands.
It's a Dance I am Remembering.
It feels like PLAY. I feel CURIOUS. I feel SATISFACTION. I feel USEFUL. I feel PEACE, CONNECTION and a KNOWING that HEALING IS occurring.
I have resisted the recurring dreams where light flows from my hands and material objects are shifted through focus and intention.
I have resisted the spiritual messages that I have received over the years.
I have resisted the
irony Genius of my own journey, where healing has been my life long passion.
And still . . . these signs do not make me SPECIAL or SIGNIFICANT.
I've simply found a space where I feel deeply FULFILLED.
And that my dear friends, is more than ENOUGH.
Phones are not ringing off the hook, PR calling me to arrange a big interview, books to sign, gigs to land and all the other ways I dreamed I may be useful for humanity and feel complete within myself.
Maybe in the future or maybe not ever.
I've learned that PAUSING to BE is both a sacred commitment and a gift.
I've learned that we may be seeking 'confirmation' from our actions that may never come to pass.
Playing BIG? Is it really necessary to "play big" to change the world?
It doesn't resonate with me anymore . . .
JUST. PLAY. TRUE.
DREAM SMALLER if it is TRUE to YOU.
Fireworks are not going to alert you when you discover the sacred activities that NURTURE & SATISFY you.
They're not, and yet don't we expect this?
We expect the lights and fanfare and rush of certainty from the external world to confirm that we have indeed found our Bliss.
And from this expectation, the relentless search continues and the little clues, often right in front of you, are totally disregarded.
Or maybe it's simply a timing thing?
Yes, I do believe in the Perfection within our journey.
And I couldn't be more satisfied.
Have fun, play, create . . ..
(the pleiades by stellarfabric)