Joy is for people who have it all. And other lies I told myself while feasting on suffering.
I am indeed, a very slow learner.
Sure there are those who, when given the entire framework of consciousness, suddenly exude an enlightened joyful presence. Life is never the same for them again.
But most of us I gather, are slow learners.
Even after basking in incredible waves of love, light and realizations - we return to participate in the unfolding dramas as they are designed to be presented.
We repeatedly (as if we had a choice) go back for seconds and thirds, dining in the ever changing smorgasbord of life and it seems to take quite some time before we realize - hey, I've been to this table a million times already!!
I have dined on my experiences, over and over and over.
Each experience, a similar meal in hindsight.
A different garnish. A fancy plate. A tantalizing tweak - all just enough to draw me in for another course.
For many years - I would bask in the "up days" of glowing inspired passion, forgetting all about the dark days that had just preceded.
When the dark days arrived again, it was like I had amnesia, seeing only a palate of darkness, forgetting how I devoured the glow only a few weeks/months earlier.
I gorged myself on the major themes in my life, without realizing I would soon be back at the table, insatiably hungry and dining on the same experiences again.
And let me be clear,
Do not for a second, make this wrong.
We are here to dine as often and for as long as we choose.
On whatever we choose.
We are not here to live in famine while the feast is laid before us.
Lap it up!
How else can we become the SEER of our own lives?
In the last few years I began to notice a shifting in how I relate to my experiences.
A shift in mindset that, for anyone who is prone to depression (whether it be spiritual or clinical) can make a huge difference in how one digests their current experience.
It is the recognition that:
I've been "here" before . . .
Is there a theme unfolding here?
When I saw my experiences arising as cycles and within the cycles there are patterns, I stopped lamenting over each cycle.
Some spaciousness began to emerge enough for me to step back and gain a broader perspective.
I slowly stopped being attached to the up cycles as the more preferred spiritual way to be.
(and that's a hard one because bliss is served up in many different ways. We are ALL wired to return to Bliss and we know this in our core. But it is not the "transient feeling" of Bliss that is our core essence.)
Seeing my life in cycles, patterns and themes was the beginning of a new Freedom from my felt experiences.
I began to fall in love with the entire smorgasbord of experience. I developed a passionate curiosity about the types of experiences I chose to dine on.
What am I attending to?
What is the feeling tone emerging here?
I began to see the web that forms patterns around myself and others more clearly, and as a thing of beauty - especially in the moments when we are paralyzed by it.
At the end of 2013, I found myself again in a pattern that represents one of the hugest themes of my life.
As I said, I'm a slow learner!
But this time, I recognized it and knowing that I had been here many times and had finally had my fill, I removed myself from the table.
And then I saw an opening,
An opening that is eternally nourishing:
At any point - we can choose to stop dining and feasting on a particular experience.
We can fold up our napkin and politely excuse ourselves because we know the feast (into drama, conflict, soul neglect, scarcity, isolation, separation, resentments etc) no longer looks as appetizing as it did before.
We never really know when that moment is, when we choose to exit a particular party (that before, we couldn't imagine not attending).
My opening, was right in the eye of the darkest storm. I was gorging on my greatest fears.
And then I suddenly developed a distaste within me and I knew that I'd had enough.
It didn't matter what was going on around me anymore.
It didn't matter what "reality" was telling me or what it looked like anymore.
I'd had enough.
I wasn't emotional. There was no drama.
I simply detached.
On the day that I chose to walk away from a deeply engrained thread,
I chose Joy.
I'm not sure I ever thought this kind of Joy - the unbearable lightness of being - was possible for me as a deep vast sensitive emotional seeker . . . who also happens to be a very slow learner.
But each day I am finding that there is a constant eternal presence outside the rhythms, cycles and patterns in my life.
a Joyfulness within.
A constant Presence,
A choice to be satisfied with What IS.
Joy - no matter what is before me.
I see the gourmet buffet on the right, as I choose Joy.
I know the experience the buffet offers me, as I choose Joy.
I feel satiated without dining. I feel nourished by a fuel that draws from a different source.
I've been a slow learner in this life for sure,
What I've learned is that when we trust ourselves enough to BE with ourselves, however we choose to dine in our life, we always get served with perfection.
Maybe all we can do, every now and then, is ask ourselves:
Have we had our fill of this experience?
And we will know intuitively because what is laid before us, will adjust before our very eyes.
If you enjoyed this - please share on social media! It's a love feast I'm grateful for!!
let me know you were here and drop me a comment below xox